Not Today, Dread

Like a few others I’ve talked to about this, I lie awake for a while before I get up. Not because I’m still tired or because I don’t have things I want to do with my day or even because I don’t have to go to the bathroom quite yet. No, I stay there because a sense of dread accompanies my waking.

The dread is neither predictable or always definable. Often, admittedly, it has to do with politics and the state of our country. Sometimes it is about people I’ve dreamed about or friends I haven’t seen in too long. Or my kids—what if I haven’t talked to them in a while? Are they mad? Are they okay?

Since I am sort of a worrier, this malady (not exactly the right word, but it fits) isn’t totally surprising, although it’s grown worse in recent years. It is, I assume, part of aging. Like crepey skin and sagging everything and repeating myself. But I feel as if I stay still, just for a little bit, it will dissipate and I’ll be ready for whatever the day brings.

Sometimes that even works.

I’ve never given this time a particular name before, but since it’s been particularly bad lately, I’ve decided to call it the Heartening Time. These few minutes get me past the disquiet.

• Today I am heartened by the Walk for Peace.

• By the inclusiveness of the Super Bowl’s halftime show.

• By the helpers. And those in need who will eventually pay it forward.

• By the explainers who do so with knowledge and kindness. And the listeners who respond in kind.

• By a Good Church on Sunday. (I know, it’s always good, but sometimes the message is especially so. Thank you, Pastor Shafer.)

  
  

Will I do this every day? No. Will I always have five things? No—sometimes it’s hard to scrape up even one. Will what heartens me work for other people? I don’t know. Will it make my day better? Yes, guaranteed.

My friend Nan meditates every morning. She’s done it 480 days and counting, using an app called Insight Timer. I tried, and proved that if I’m not good at anything else in life, I can be awfully good at failing. (This doesn’t bother me, because I’m also good at trying.)

I’d love to say this time in the morning is a real game-changer, or even better, a life-changer that makes 75 feel at least 20 years younger.

No, don’t get excited; I said I’d love to say that. It doesn’t differ all that much from making a mental list of Things to Do Today or Processing A Difficult Scene or I am so damn sick of doctors’ appointments.

But it does calm me, makes me remember to laugh at myself and at things I can’t do anything about. When Duane asks if I slept well, I can always say Yes. There is no need tomention that waking up was less than ideal.

Because, after all, I did wake up, and I am heartened by that, too.

Have a good week. Be heartened, and be nice to somebody.

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